Sidenote

Do old pieces of writing seem silly to everyone? They do to me. Don't read them. You have been warned.

Eternal loop of whining

So I've totally abandoned this blog as I had suspected I would. As I've been having a crappy time lately I've remembered this wonderful way to release frustration without getting myself into too much trouble as I've done with drinking and writing open and honest letters to people who I thought would appreciate them.

Anyway, here it is. How do you get yourself into a hopeful state of mind? How do you lure your optimistic self back out to the surface? You see the past year has taken a lot of that from me. Three months ago my dad died, I haven't had steady work for quite some time and I've gone through a breakup about a month ago, that really finished me off, I think. I've been justifying and making logical healthy decisions (which for the time being still only feel like excuses) about everything that's happened and still I doubt myself in everything that I do, so I prefer to do nothing which leads to apathy and provokes burning guilt that I'm not doing anything with my life. And I'm not. I'm dangerously nearing 30 and have nothing to show for it. I feel like I'm getting so bitter that any good thing going for anyone I know makes me insanely jealous which of course I can't admit, so I keep to myself not to accidentally lash out and scratch out the eyes of anyone whose only goal is to make me feel better. It's a vicious double loop that I'm in.
I've tried to occupy my mind with going back to school and finally finish what I set out to finish. Care to venture a guess how long that lasted? Two days. Maybe.
I've tried to occupy my mind with going back to school and finally finish what I set out to finish. Care to venture a guess how long that lasted? Two days. Maybe.

So, what do I do? I turn to music and movies, two beautiful worlds that can yank you out of whatever state of mind you're in at least for an hour or two and after that you can breathe again and continue your life. Nothing works. Movies don't interest me. They don't even capture my attention long enough for me to put down my phone and stop playing spider solitaire. And I can't for the life of me find a band or record that would excite me even a little bit.

I've tried sports. That always lifts me up because I set my mind to something and before I know it a month has passed and I'm over whatever I was trying to get over. I've become to lazy and sports don't work.

Advice from anyone with good intentions doesn't work, because I get annoyed immediately. Crying works just to the point, that I don't feel guilty for wasting time but I convince myself that if I feel bad enough to cry I must feel bad enough to not have to be doing anything of substance.

I know having a regular job or anything that I could occupy my life with would help, but I've lost the will to look.

So, what I'm trying to say here is that I've never been in this sort of place before in my life. I've never not had enough will power to convince myself of just about anything. I'm lost and I know it. So, not being a man and all, I'm asking for directions. That is all.